So I need to start off by saying that I have not blogged since I used LiveJournal forever ago. I don’t know who will read these so hello to whoever you may be. I promise to try not to bore you. I’ve seen other people’s blogs and they look all nice and neat. I have a tendency to get caught up in the details such as the layout or how menus look and whatnot. So I’ve decided to more or less be kind of hands off with this blog. So if it looks quite vanilla, let’s just pretend that I meant it that way.
So, what shall I intrigue you with for my first blog? I suppose I’ll talk about my thoughts I’ve been having the past few days. I recently had a visit with a new doctor. Needless to say that my old doctor and I were long overdue for a breakup in our business relationship. This new doctor was quite kind and very easy to talk to. I won’t go into all the reasons I see this doctor, at least not right now, but one issue is that I do have obsessive compulsive disorder. It used to be a lot worse when I was younger. Yes, I did the counting routines and other rituals which I won’t go into. These days though, it affects me more with racing thoughts and obsessive thoughts. I’ll get repetitive thoughts that seem to play over and over again in my head.
Well, this doctor prescribed me a medicine, granted it’s a medicine I’ve taken before. I’m only a few days into taking it, but I can feel my mind getting quieter. Normally, my mind is racing back and forth with all of these repetitive thoughts, but the last few days it’s as if someone hit the slow motion button. Things seem to be slowed down. I’ve noticed myself enjoying silence and being a lot more introspective than usual. You have to know me to know that I avoid silence most all the time. If I’m driving in the car I always have Spotify playing or I’ll even talk aloud to myself. I’ve figured out ways over the years to avoid silence. I’ve believed for a while now that truthfully, I’ve never been comfortable alone with my thoughts. Actually, any time I’ve tried to be alone with my thoughts it was as if I was at a crowded intersection and each thought was trying to push it’s way through to be heard. So it became much easier to just drown them out with anything and everything.
I should also mention that I recently lost my phone. Turns out it got left on top of my car and got run over. I haven’t bought a new phone yet. There’s a couple reasons for that, but those aren’t important. What I’ve discovered though in not having my phone for the past few days is how much time I actually spent on my phone. I’m not really popular or have a large circle of friends, but I still compulsively check my phone to see if someone texted me or called me. The thing that really got me about the phone issue is that I’ve enjoyed being unreachable. No one really has probably been trying to reach me, but the idea that they can’t is something I actually enjoy. Personally, I like the little bit of mystery to my location. I can drive off in my car and no one knows where I’ve gone. They can’t call and say “Where are you?” Granted, this is a double edged sword because if someone really needed me or needed to talk about something really important, then I wouldn’t be available.
I’ll save my thoughts about the 24/7 world we live in for a separate entry. Getting back to the mind and my thoughts, I’ve really just been trying to enjoy the moment more. As with any new medicine there are some initial side effects. I should also mention that I came off several meds cold turkey just about two weeks ago. So when I’m sitting in the library Saturday afternoon and I start to feel this loneliness and depression creep in I decide that instead of going home, that I’m going to go see a movie. I found myself looking at the different films and their showtimes. I had a selection of films that would have been easy mindless entertainment, such as the new Independence Day film or perhaps the joyful Finding Dory. Of course, if you know me, I usually go with the feelings. Like if I’m sad I don’t really want to listen to happy music and the like. So I chose to go see “Me Before You”.
I thought that since it had been out in theaters for a while that the theater would be rather empty. Guess again. So there I was sitting at the top, in the middle, with couples all around me. That didn’t really bother me that much, except when Coca Cola has to play their promo with the kids on a date at the theater. Sure, I get it, Coke was present when you decided he was the one…blah blah blah. That’s the only time I felt uncomfortable sitting there by myself, haha. Anyway, back to the movie. What a great movie it was. Even if you knew nothing about the movie going in, you could totally tell where it would wind up. Might I say that I was completely captured by Emilia Clarke. I’ve never seen someone show that much expression through her face….mainly her eyebrows. She played her character perfectly and the chemistry between her and Will was easily believable. Of course, I left the theater in a melancholy sort of mood. There’s a really important detail that I probably will blog about at some point and many times over. I lost my best friend this past year.
Actually it’s hard to say when our friendship ended. I need to clarify, it’s not like she died or anything. It’s really a very long story that maybe I’ll get into another time. What I’m trying to get at though is that movies like that make me think of her. Certain songs make me think of her. Yeah, I think of her quite a lot. It’s something that I’m trying to remedy, but I haven’t quite got the recipe just right yet. I was sitting at my computer Monday night thinking, “It’s the 4th of July and here I am studying for this Biology test.” Which by the way, I nearly burned myself out studying for it this afternoon so hopefully something will stick come Thursday. Anyway, it’s like one hour till the firework show that happens here in Birmingham. I decide, what the hell, I’ll drive downtown and see if I can find a spot.
Railroad park ended up being jam packed and I couldn’t find a parking spot, so somehow I ended up in the McDonald’s parking lot ordering a McChicken sandwich. Actually two to be exact. The fireworks show started and as I was waiting for my food I could just make out the fireworks over one of the buildings. Thankfully I was able to drive up closer to UAB and found a great spot where I was able to watch the last half of the show. Again, you can see people there with their loved ones and families. I drove home a bit melancholy again, but glad that I decided to get out and see the fireworks.
I’m in a season of my life where I’m coming out of probably the toughest year of my life. I won’t go into all those details, but these past few days have allowed me to experience truly being alone with myself. It’s not that I’ve never been alone before, but somehow like I said I never wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I think that some of the things I’ve faced this past year have been certain thoughts that should have been dealt with properly, but were pushed aside.
Let me end on somewhat of a more joyful note. When I was a kid, I was a gamer. I loved to play video games and had quite a lot of fun doing so. I reached a certain age where I was introduced to certain bands and different music which soon overtook my desire to play games. I became more excited about getting the latest album from my favorite band or discovering new music. Those were the days of Napster, audiogalaxy, Winmx, and many others. There’s always been a part of me that wanted to get back into gaming because it was something that I feel was a part of me….I even have most of my old game systems. However, I never found a jumping on point with all this next gen gaming. Well, you are now looking at a next gen gamer. I found a really good deal on an Xbox One and I’m really looking forward to playing “The Witcher 3” as I hear that it’s one of the greatest RPG’s of all time. There will definitely be a thrill in investing time into a world such as that. You could say that about older games. I know it felt good to get past certain levels in Final Fantasy 7 or 8. Or to be playing Super Mario RPG up at my grandmother’s with my cousin and us both finding joy in beating a boss that we’d tried so many times before to get past.
I won’t lie, I’m pretty stoked about Battlefield 1 coming out in a couple months. Battlefield 2 for the PC was a game I spent many a long night trying to develop my sniping skills. Confession….I’m still not a good sniper…..somehow they always find me. Anyway, this blog has ended up being much longer than I intended on it being. But look at it this way, this is my introduction. If you even slightly enjoyed reading, please come back for more. We have so much to talk about. See you again soon.