I should be in bed

Hello again. I always say that I’m going to get a good night’s sleep the evening before a test, but here I am wide awake. I’ve been doing some more of that introspective stuff….yay right? I was thinking about how much I’ve changed as a person within the last several years. I imagine that as time goes by that little by little I will continue to change. I don’t mean to say that I’m always a different person. I think that certain core aspects remain intact, but it’s kind of like building a house. You hope that the finished product is sturdy and is not going to crash to the ground.

Let’s follow that train of thought for a minute. Houses or buildings are a good example. Some homes are well built and built to last while others not so much. However, no matter how well the building is built, every house eventually needs upkeep or remodeling. I look at my life as a house that in the beginning seemed to have a decent structure and held up okay. You never really know though until it’s really tested by the elements. Also, sometimes you want to make a room bigger or knock out a wall or something. Remodeling takes place all the time, with the idea of making it better. Then there are those rooms or closets that a bunch of junk gets thrown in and you never really show anybody.

That’s where I’m coming from tonight. I feel like even with all the remodeling done these past few years, I’m still scared out of my mind to let someone look at it. Being vulnerable is a lot like living in a glass house. A couple different people have told me in regards to relationships, that you just have to find someone who loves you for you. I always thought that was complete BS. It sounds really good, but it has not practicality. The idea of being vulnerable and opening up to a woman scares me to death. I fear that I’m not strong enough or courageous enough to be the man that is needed.

If you don’t know, I enjoy superhero movies. Superman, Batman, X-Men, Spiderman, etc. etc. Who wouldn’t want to have that kind of power? Who wouldn’t want to rescue the girl and save the planet? There’s a scene that I watch sometimes if I’m a bit down or melancholy. It’s from “The Dark Knight Rises”. Batman has found Bane down in the sewer system. They begin to fight and it’s clear that Bane has the upper hand. At one point Bane breaks Batman’s back and then tosses his mask in the water. I don’t know why I watch that scene or what kind of significance it holds to me. I guess many times I feel like Batman at the end of that scene. Those who have seen the movie know that he is tested by having to get out of a very large pit and in a way it is a redeeming scene. He goes back to Gotham and this time he is more prepared to fight Bane. The latter scene is where I want to find myself, but I don’t know if I’m stuck in that pit and can’t get out or what.

There’s something to be said about coming through for a woman. Whether that’s being decisive or protective. I believe a woman wants to know that you have what it takes to keep her safe and to take charge. If anything I spend most of my time being like Clark Kent, the mild mannered reporter who bumbles and trips over stuff and whatnot, rather than being Superman. If only there were a phone booth nearby, haha. Or take Rick from “The Walking Dead”. He’s a complete badass, but he’s also human. He will go to whatever lengths necessary to protect those he loves and cares about. He’s willing to make the tough decisions. People rally around that kind of man. I don’t know what kind of man I’ll be a year from now or ten years from now, but I hope that it’s one who has honor and integrity.

I really don’t know what in the world I’m talking about. I really need to try and get some sleep or all that information from those flash cards is gonna fly out of my brain. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

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