It has occurred to me that I’ve typed several entries within the past 48 hours or so. As I said before, it feels very therapeutic. It’s allowing me to sort of unload my thoughts into a medium, whereas before, they just bounced around in my head. A situation arose earlier in the day that I’d rather not talk about, but I will say a few things in reference to it. Sometimes I wonder if certain people realize what they have. Let’s just say that someone was complaining about another person. I’m being vague purposefully. The person that they were complaining about happens to be one of the greatest and most special human beings I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. It really bothered me to hear certain things said about this person because I don’t know if there is someone that I look up to and respect more than him. Anyway, I had to get out of the presence of the one who kept complaining. What I really wanted to say was….no, I can’t bring myself to say that. It wouldn’t be right.
The last few days, I seemed to be hearing the voices less. Today though it was like I heard them all day. Well, when I say that I heard them, again I can’t really make out most of what they say. I do get this sense though that they are commenting about my life and whatever decisions I make. Even as I’m typing this right now I can hear them talking. The manly sounding voice has been the louder of the two today. My previous doctor told me that he wasn’t ready to diagnose me as schizophrenic. He said something about it having to go on for a number of years and yadayadayada. It sounded like someone just said “Do you think she’s bipolar?” I think I know who they would be talking about and my answer would be that she has deeply rooted issues that need attention…..in my humble opinion.
So anyway, I did get out of the presence of that person for a little bit. I made a trip to the store and wouldn’t you know it, I found the game “Red Dead Redemption” the game of the year edition. I had planned on snagging the digital copy because Microsoft had it on sale for dirt cheap, but I wasn’t sure if it came with the dlc content such as undead nightmare. I stood there in the store for what seemed like forever thinking, if I just had my phone I could double check and see if that digital copy had the extra stuff. Finally I just decided it would be better to have the physical copy because who knows, things stored digitally or in the cloud are never 100% guaranteed. I don’t think that I’ll regret my choice of the Xbox One because it seems to me that all kinds of games are constantly on sale. Like right now Halo: The master Chief Collection is going for a ridiculously low price. I’ve never played any of the Halo games, but I’ve always heard that they were great.
Okay, so there’s one thing that bothers me. I’m not going to get to play “The Witcher 3” just yet. As it turns out, they have announced that in the near future they are coming out with a GOTY edition which will have all the dlc content. I’m sure Red Dead Redemption will keep me tied over until the release. Let me shift gears for a second and tell you about a wonderful movie that I’ve been searching for every time I go into 2nd and Charles. “Cool Hand Luke”. I watched it a few months ago at a friend’s house and thought it was such a good movie. There’s tons of character development. Actually, the movie is really a build up of the main character. Plus I love watching older movies due to the ways in which they were filmed. The Godfather is another one that I want to pick up. Believe it or not I had never seen it until a few months ago.
If you haven’t got the memo by now, I tend to jump around a lot in my writings. I know that I have adhd and if I was on my medicine right now chances are likely that I wouldn’t be as random. Who knows? Perhaps the sudden changes in subject keep things interesting. That’s how I’m going to look at it. As I was driving home from the store I was listening to a CD. It felt kind of weird to be pulling out my cd case in the car, seeing as if I get 99% of my music fix from Spotify. I had the Christ Mix I blasting, and then a particular songs came on that really seemed to be something I could use as an anthem. It was “Casting Crowns, The Voice of Truth”. There’s the lyric “Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth”. I need to remember that.
I listened to this short podcast today and it was talking about being in the wilderness. You know, how God will even sometimes lead us into the wilderness for a season. I’ll just confess that I’ve never in my life faced something like this. There have been times I’ve wondered if I did something to cause me to start hearing things. The reason I even thought that was because I thought that maybe if I caused it, that I could stop it. My new doctor prescribed me a med that’s supposed to help in that area, but I haven’t taken the first pill. I don’t like those drugs. I don’t like the way they make me feel. I don’t like gaining weight on them. I just don’t like them at all. I’ve tried the medicine route for this and it just wasn’t for me.
I think about what to do moving forward. If the Lord wills and I meet someone who would be a candidate for a romantic relationship, what if I still am hearing things? Would I tell them? How would that impact them? At one point I had convinced myself that the best thing to do would be to never mention it. I’m not sure how that would work, but I figured it would be better for them not knowing. Honestly, I have so much work to do on myself before I’m even ready to go looking for someone. That someone will need me at the top of my game, and I want to be able to give them 100%. I don’t want to waste someone’s time and my time.
I’m going to be a little vulnerable and mention that I’m currently involved in a men’s recovery group. It’s kind of like AA only the difference is that we struggle with being sex addicts. No, I don’t mean that I or the other guys are going out and having sex with anything that moves, but we all have different stories of struggling with pornography, adultery, and things of that nature. My issue is with pornography. Before I was blessed enough to find this group, or rather it found me, I knew that I had a problem with lust and porn. I just never really thought about how it was really affecting me. One thing that a twelve step program will teach you is that an addiction is not really the problem. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, sex, or whatever, those things are the tip of the iceberg. A better example is like a deeply rooted tree. Acting out in addiction is just a branch. It’s like the fruit on the tree. If you cut off the branches, you are not getting rid of the tree. You have to dig down to the roots, and believe me, some of the roots are deep and seem to go for miles.
I’ve learned that I don’t just look at porn because I’m horny or that I want that release, but I have deeper issues that when not addressed will lead me to act on my addiction. I know that one of my roots is without a doubt fear. But that’s just the beginning. Attached to that root are other offshoots such as not feeling like I measure up as a man. I’ve noticed that if I get in situations where I don’t know what I’m doing or that I feel the pressure to succeed at something I’m doing that I will begin to walk down the path of addiction. I’m still discovering my root issues, but it’s not that hard to comprehend. Pornography does not require anything of me. The women on the screen are there for me to fulfill my needs whenever I choose and there is no concern or fear or rejection. I am going outside of God’s plan for me because in some form or fashion I am not trusting Him. It’s a quick fix, but it has long term effects. I can tell you from personal experience that you don’t just wet your toes in the water. Eventually you are drowning in it.
I remember certain images and videos that I looked at years ago, and did you know that those do nothing for me now. There is so much going on in the brain, and that’s not just with porn, but any addiction. Dopamine is the key ingredient here. It’s the pleasure chemical of the brain. The problem is that just like with medicine that you take, eventually you build up a tolerance and have to start taking more to achieve the same affect. It become harder and harder to get the same kind of release or stimulation that you are seeking. This can also cause issues with married couples when they come together for sex. I know that if I continued without any restrains that it could lead to me watching and doing things that right now I would say I would never do.
In my humble opinion, sex is a very spiritual act. The Lord intended it so that when a man and woman come together that they are one. That’s why I believe that people who have had multiple sex partners have a lot of emotional issues. I’m not saying that they are one with every single one of those people, but I do believe that they have participated in a spiritual act with those people. Of course, you could say the same thing about me with every time I am acting out to videos of different women. One day, Lord willing, if I have a wife, I don’t want to feel the need to look elsewhere for satisfaction. Also, I’m not naive enough to think that you just walk in the door and say let’s get it on, or that you have the right to just have it at free will. If the woman doesn’t feel appreciated or loved, the last thing she is going to want to do is to hop in bed with you. I’ve even said before that if I get married, I want my wife to enjoy sex. I will be desiring her, but I want her to desire me too. Basically, what I’m saying is that it’s a mutual thing. Each person should be fulfilled.
Okay, again I don’t know how I got started on all that, but needless to say, I’m a work in progress. Every day I’m hoping to become more and more the man that God has intended me to be. I’ll confess, it’s not easy, but I believe that God has a purpose and plan for my life if I’ll just be willing to follow Him wherever He takes me. I was going to finally take the Xbox One out of the box and fire up “Red Dead Redemption”, but now it’s almost midnight. Perhaps I’ll have time to squeeze in an episode of “The Walking Dead” before falling asleep. If you’ve hung around this long, I’m sorry but I don’t have a prize for you. Haha, thank for reading.