Ex’s and family history

I have been able to get a good bit of Biology homework done this afternoon. However, I still find myself distracted by the muffled voices. I’m almost about two weeks into taking a medicine for my o.c.d. and I’m hopeful that once it has time to get into my system that maybe some of this chatter will stop. I’ve long thought that maybe these voices had to do with my racing thoughts from o.c.d. I mean I don’t wipe things down and do the counting rituals anymore, but I tend to have recurring thoughts that just don’t seem to go away.

Ever since my dad passed away in 2012 I’ve spent quite a lot of time thinking about certain aspects of his personality. Unfortunately, my dad was much more paranoid than I cared to admit while I had him around. Things that I wrote off as just being peculiar with him started to come to my mind. Not to mention that my mother has told me stories involving situations that almost certainly point to fear, worry, and paranoia. I would lose count of the times in which he would make statements that he wondered what our neighbors would think of this or that. From an early age and from there on, I was made very aware that it mattered a lot what other people thought. When I began to get around other people, such as my girlfriend at the time, I began to realize that not everyone thought that way. In fact, I can honestly say that my girlfriend helped me, sometimes with me dragging my feet, to relax a little bit more.

She and I would decide to go on vacation somewhere, and right before the trip I would stress her out. I really didn’t mean to, but looking back on it my parents were very easily stressed even before going on vacation or going anywhere for that matter. It got to the point where she stopped wanting to go places with me or at least go on vacation. How could I blame her? I can’t sit here and just say, “That’s how I was raised”, even if it’s true. The realization that it’s not the correct way to act should produce in me the resolve to change. My parents were just not really good at time management. This was observed by my girlfriend at the time too. If my parents had an appointment at noon, they somehow seemed to make the whole day revolve around that one thing. Doing things before and after that seemed difficult.

Come to think of it, I think my faults would be a lot worse if it weren’t for my girlfriend I had many year ago. I remember leaving my wallet in a locker at six flags and I was completely freaking out that it was going to be gone when we got back to the locker. She remained calm the entire time and wouldn’t you know it, the wallet was still there. Her and I have since parted ways, but I’ll forever be grateful for her steadfast approach to pulling me out of certain mindsets.

You realize a lot of things as you get older. You start to understand that it’s the little things that matter. Sometimes you realize it too late, but at least you are learning. I’m not sure why I hear muffled voices nearly every day now. Sometimes it will be quiet, like I was used to for most of my life. I try to enjoy those moments as best I can. I don’t like any white noise in the background because that seems to amplify whatever it is that I’m hearing. I wish I knew more about my dad’s side of the family. Most of them had passed away when I was born. I sometimes wonder if they dealt with any of these issues.

I’m going to change the subject because I want to share something that I doubt many people know. I started doing something this past year that I find I really enjoy. Many times I’ll be driving home at night and I won’t go straight home. There are some roads that loop around my neighborhood and a few other roads I take. Sometimes I just take a much longer way to get home. I put my starred playlist from Spotify on and I hit shuffle. Then I find myself belting out the lyrics to each song. I sing my heart out. Then, eventually, I arrive back home. I don’t know how to describe what it does for me, but maybe it takes me out of this world and away from my cares and concerns, if just for a while.

I’m hopeful that if the Lord wills and I’ve got all my ducks in a row, that I’ll meet a woman who perhaps will go riding with me. She doesn’t have to like the same music that I do, but I would hope that she finds the same enjoyment in it in general. Then again, she may find my singing atrocious, haha. Till next time.


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