I don’t know what’s wrong with me

Today started out really good. I got to spend a lot of time with my family. I really enjoyed watching my nephews play with the Kinect on the Xbox. I just kept thinking how much fun it would be to play with my own kids one day. We went to lunch and then I had laid down to take a quick nap because I didn’t get to sleep last night until 2 or 3 and I was tired. That was when I remembered I was supposed to meet with my counselor today at 11:30. It was 3 o’clock when I realized I had totally missed my appointment.

This is now the second time in a row that this has happened to me. The first time, I remembered and arrived 30 to 40 minutes late. Thankfully, she was gracious enough to still work me in and see me. This now marks the second time in a row. Only this time, I totally blew it. Normally, I get a phone call reminder from the office the day before the appointment. I’m still without a phone, but I had looked at my appointment card just the other day and I should have remembered. I’m concerned because it’s not like me to just completely forget an appointment, especially two times in a row. I called the office and the receptionist was nice and put me through to my counselor’s voicemail. She said maybe if I apologized she might waive the $50 dollar no show fee. That would be great if she does, but I totally understand if she doesn’t because when people don’t show up, that’s a time slot that she could have used for someone else.

I guess paying 50 dollars will teach me not to forget anymore. I’m just really struggling today with depression. I don’t know what’s happening to my mind. These things don’t happen to me. I just keep praying and thinking that maybe I’ll catch a break. Maybe all of this will stop and I can go back to being me. I feel like I’m in a never ending boxing match that just keeps going round after round. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hear people commentating on my life. I don’t want to hear them talking at night while I’m trying to sleep. I don’t want to get random words in my head that seem like bits of conversation between people. I want my life back. This is so draining on me mentally and physically. I feel isolated, like I’m standing on an island waiting for a rescue boat, but never seeing one. I don’t know what else to say.

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