Right now I’m hearing a man and a woman talking to each other outside my house. Again, I can’t seem to make out what they are saying, but sometimes I can tell a shift in tone. It’s like if people are having a conversation, maybe even about you, but you never see them and you can barely hear them. Like I said, I’m not able to make out exactly what they’re saying, but I get the feeling many times they are commentating about whatever it is that I’m doing. Some days it seems easier to push them down and try to ignore them. Other days, like today, I’m just left wondering what the purpose is in this. This has been going on for well over a year now, and I’ve yet to figure out what it means. Am I creating these voices subconsciously? I also don’t know why it’s worse when there is ambient or white noise in the background.
Every day it’s inevitable that I hear them. The only reason I said that maybe I’m creating these voices subconsciously is because sometimes they mimic my mood. What’s strange is that when I go through something difficult or I find myself in a tough situation, I can sense that there tones become more compassionate. Yet, it also seems like they can take harsher or more critical tones…perhaps if they disagree with a decision that I make. What I’m trying to say is that maybe there nature is directly affected by my actions. Honestly, I think I’ve come up with the best way to explain how I feel about this whole situation. I feel like Truman from the movie “The Truman Show”. I don’t mean to say that I think my life is really a television show, but I do identify with the concept of being watched and having strange things go on. I just wish I knew how or why this all started. I keep thinking that if I could figure out how it all began that I could put an end to it.
The biggest concern I have is wasting time. Sometimes it’s easy for me to become obsessive about figuring out what is being said or what’s going on that I will lose my focus and lose track of time. I keep telling myself, just make it one more day. And that’s what I do, I make it one more day.