Tonight I had dinner with my brother and some extended family members. When we got there we were told it would be a two hour wait before we could get a table. My cousin Blake arrived and somehow charmed the girl at the front to get us a table so we didn’t have to wait. I had many different thoughts rushing through my mind while sitting at the table. Mostly, I just felt alone. Here I was sitting in a crowded restaurant with my family and I just felt very isolated. I sat and listened to the conversations between family members and had a few myself. Then it happened. The same thing that’s been happening to me for the past year happened again. I knew it the moment it was said that I had heard it before.
Why do I have bits of conversation go through my head and then they happen right in front of me? Nobody seems to be able to tell me what is going on with me. I can tell you for a fact that in this past year I have heard muffled voices talking about something and pick up bits and pieces only to have it actually occur in real life not too long after. It’s as if I’m somehow tuned into events that are in the future, but they are coming in extremely fuzzy. It’s not like I can tell someone what’s going to happen because to me none of it really makes sense until it occurs. Then I’m like oh my God that’s what that was!
I mean I already struggled with loneliness before I ever started hearing things. Now that all this is happening I just feel even more alone. I’m told to tell my doctor or my counselor everything that’s happening. Well what the hell are they supposed to say. “Hmm, let me grab my psychology book that explains what seems to be happening to you.” More than likely they’ll stick some kind of diagnosis or label onto whatever it is and scribble something in my charts. Here’s what I don’t understand about it. It would seem to me that this would be really helpful if I actually had more information. I mean what am I supposed to do with bits and pieces? Why is this happening to me now? There has to be someone out there on God’s green earth that can explain to me what is going on.
I don’t know what people think when I mention these things. I wouldn’t blame them if they thought I was crazy because I’ll admit that it’s all very strange to me. Lately I’ve been hearing someone say Daniel. Or at least that’s what it sounds like to me. I’ll hear other words here and there and sometimes a particular word or phrase will come up repeatedly. I just don’t know what to do with this. There has only been one person who I’ve told who genuinely seemed like their heart went out to me and who I felt like really was interested in what I was saying. I hear people talking right now and I don’t know why.
The sun will come up tomorrow and I’ll make it through another day. I’ve made it this long.