Tonight I’m really struggling to avoid watching porn. If you’ve read some of my other blogs then you know that I have a pornography addiction. Just a few minutes ago I was sitting in my room holding my super old phone that I’ve used merely as a device to watch porn. Then I switched to the computer, which I’ve sat at for several minutes while going back and forth in my mind. It’s as if the chemical reactions are all firing trying to get me to watch something. My mind has already decided where it would go, and even what videos specifically to watch. I’m not sure what to do now cause here I am on my laptop typing this blog, but I could just as easily click the new tab button and dive straight in.
I know that this will eventually pass if I wait long enough, but I find myself craving that high, even if deep down I know that it doesn’t last and always begs for more. I’m thinking of maybe driving somewhere to get out of the house for a little while. I’m not certain that if I stay here right now that I won’t give in and indulge. The carnal part of me says that it will inevitably happen and that even if I indulge that in the grand scheme of things it really won’t matter. I’ve heard those lies before. “This is who you are”. “You’ll never be with a real woman”. “This will be as good as it gets so you might as well enjoy it.” “You know you’re not a real man, so how can you ever expect to be with someone?” “You’re such a loser, who would ever love you?” “You don’t have what it takes to be a real man, you coward.” “You blew it with the one woman who actually loved you, why don’t you just give up”. “You couldn’t take care of her and look at you, you can barely take care of yourself.” “Remember what happened at Academy?” “You are such a disappointment to your friends and family”. “You are just like your father”. “If people really knew everything about you they wouldn’t like you”. “She didn’t really love you, she pities you”
I realized something this past year. By the grace of God I was able to have almost six months of sobriety. I learned that every time I had looked at porn that I was running from having to deal with my emotions. I figured this out because for the first time I came face to face with those emotions and feelings. I was forced to look at myself and many times it was painful. Pornography brings with it the lie that it will ease the pain, but it’s like trying to plug a leaky boat with a piece of gum. Meanwhile the Father keeps calling my name. He says quietly, “I love you son, and I will always love you”. “You are not a disappointment”. “I am here with you now, I am ALWAYS here”.