Face to face

I find myself at home typing this and in the distance hearing those same muffled voices. I had my second appointment with my new doctor this morning. I still can’t believe what a huge difference there is between her and my old doctor. Changing doctors was a decision I should have made a long time ago. Last time I saw her she had prescribed a medicine to treat these auditory hallucinations. I haven’t been taking it because all the other medicines I’ve tried have caused tremendous weight gain. I was honest with her and told her I had reservations about taking it and that I had not taken any of it since I last saw her. I have decided to try and take it for one month to see what happens. She was very reassuring and we are going to keep a close watch on my weight.

I’ve also been struggling with the temptation to watch porn, as I’ve written about several times. One of the reasons that I find myself indulging in it I have found is loneliness. When I’m involved in watching it, I don’t have to think about being lonely. My mind can go an autopilot and I can momentarily keep those feelings and emotions at bay. I’m finding that when I have the urge to watch porn and don’t indulge, I am confronted with strong emotions. I become aware of being by myself and the surrounding noises. I should say it like this, I become very aware of whatever I am lacking in that drives me to porn in the first place. I’m not so sure that I enjoy sitting in my emotions and feelings. I haven’t quite learned yet what to do with them or how to properly handle them so it just feels mostly overwhelming. My weakness is exposed and I feel very vulnerable. It feels like all my insecurities are on display and I just want to escape. All I can do is just trust that Jesus is here and He will provide strength in my weakness.


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