The past three days I have been working an event in which I’m on my feet quite a lot. This led to me perspiring quite a lot in front of other people. Over the past year I’ve gained right at around 70 pounds. It’s from all those damn antipsychotic meds. I used to get embarrassed when I weighed a lot because, besides being heavy, I would just start sweating at the drop of a hat. Well, wouldn’t you know it, I’m back there again. It’s embarrassing when you are in an air conditioned building most of the day and you are pouring with sweat. I mean I know that I was on my feet moving around and working, but it’s ridiculous. All it does is serve to remind me of how much weight I’ve gained.
Basically I feel fat and way out of shape. The constant sweating just makes me look even worse. I was talking with a friend about it yesterday and today. I told him that I just wanted to go act out by watching porn. I didn’t really have a lot of self confidence before I gained all this weight back, but now I just don’t feel like I’m going to be appealing at all to women. This is of course why I would want to run to porn. The women their are hot and I can feel desired for a short time. I’m sorry for using these terms, but it’s been a little over two weeks since I’ve jacked off or looked at anything and my body is desperately longing for something.
I’m trying hard to remember that even though the high I get from porn is real, it’s never going to satisfy me. Even now I have some porn star’s name floating through my mind. I need to send my brain back into reality. I need to remember that these porn stars are not into me. It’s a fantasy. A lot of single guys would probably say, “Yeah, I want to bang a chick with big breasts.” I mentioned also that porn will drag you deeper and deeper to where you are looking at more hardcore videos just to finish. Stuff that was appealing for me as a teenager would no longer satisfy me now. I believe it also distorts what my expectations are of sex. I mean am I going to be upset if I got married and my wife didn’t want to do certain things with me? I’m told by the Bible to love my wife as Christ loves the church, not to impose my distorted views of sex upon her.
Also, porn can be very one sided because it’s all about the individual. Let me get my needs met. Let me be satisfied. Me, me, me, me, me. These are things that aren’t just going to get better on their own. I can’t just lie to myself and believe that I can keep watching pornography and then treat my wife, if I ever get married, with love and respect. I want to be able to share my life with someone. That includes all my faults, failures, insecurities, and everything else. I don’t want to burden her down with things, but I want to be able to be honest with her about everything.
You know what one of the biggest lies that I’ve believed is? Pornography will keep me from being lonely. News flash: it doesn’t. Here’s the reason why, because I am masturbating by myself with women who have breast implants and couldn’t give two flips about me. When I’m done, guess what? I’m still by myself. Oh sure I get my fix, but what am I really getting? Some dopamine rush? A release? Actually, I’m losing out because porn can’t offer me my heart’s desire.
Do you want me to be really vulnerable? Even though I’ve typed all this stuff above, I’m still sitting here wanting to watch something. Maybe there is some benefit to getting my feelings and stuff out onto the page. For now, at least it’s keeping me from something else.