Yesterday was going okay until I started to hear conversations in my head. When I was outside in the yard, they were in my head. When I was inside my house they were external to me. I tried to contact two of the people that I thought I heard. I finally reached one of them late last night. He proceeded to tell me that it wasn’t him that I heard, which just made me realize that my medicine either hasn’t started working yet or just isn’t going to work. I’ve been taking it now for about a week and a half to two weeks. There have only been two days where I can remember things being quieter. Even then, it only lasted for maybe a couple hours.
In other news, I purchased a new book and also received a free book from the Kindle First selections for July. The free book is one that I imagine myself really enjoying. It’s called “Emotional Rescue: Essays on love, loss, and life – with a soundtrack” by Ben Greenman. I love listening to music so the fact that each chapter has a few song choices to go with it is great. The second book is one that I also believe I’ll really like and also require it’s tips. It’s entitled “The Geek’s Guide to Dating”, by Eric Smith. I consider myself a geek so I’m hoping I can glean some good advice from it. I think it’s becoming a little bit easier to find women who are also geeks. This probably is due to the social media age that we find ourselves in. I’ve never participated in any kind of online dating website although I’ve heard some good things about them. Truth be told, it would probably help me out a lot due to my shy nature and lack of courage when it comes to talking to women in person. I still prefer the old fashioned way of finding a date, but who am I kidding? I’m not really in any kind of place in my life where I should be dating anyone right now.
The one thing that I hate the most is the concept of finding someone who “loves me for me”, as I’ve heard several people say to me before. That sounds great and all, but I just don’t see that being the way it works necessarily, at least not for me. I feel like I have too many issues that I’m trying to sort out. If someone came along and was okay with my issues I would think that they were lying. Plus I wouldn’t want to put any of that on anybody. I realize that everyone has issues and that this hypothetical other person would have hers as well, but I want to be the best I can be and right now I’m not.
I’ve thought about it quite a bit since things started happening this past year. Would I share with them that I hear conversations or “voices”. How would they respond? At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter because I don’t see myself having to cross that bridge for a long time, if ever. Damn, I sound very pessimistic don’t I? I don’t mean to, I really don’t. I’m just trying to sort out this weird and strange year that it’s been. There have been many good things and great friendships that have formed that I will forever be thankful for. You couldn’t give me all the money in the world for those relationships. Most days I’m able to handle the things that are going on a lot better than I had originally when they first started. I consider that a major plus. So you could say that even though I don’t have many answers, I’m coping with it a little better. One step at a time right?