Tonight I have the unfortunate duty of saying that I acted out by watching porn and masturbating. I was almost at a month of sobriety. About a year ago I was able, through the grace of God, to achieve six months of sobriety. I knew that something was not right because every night for about a week now I’ve wanted to act out. I know that God’s grace is there for me and that I’m forgiven, but it becomes even harder when you fall and you are in community with brothers fighting the same struggle.
I think that many times we look to each other and hope that each of us is on our way to complete recovery. I feel like this slip up had a lot to do with feeling entitled, as we sometimes say in our group. God has been with me through everything that’s been happening this past year and I am grateful that He has continued to love me and guide me. However, I’ve still felt like the odd man out because no one can relate to what I’m experiencing with these voices. These are not excuses, but I’m trying to gather my thoughts and see what patterns led to the slip up. All that I can come up with is stress and loneliness.
I need to remind myself that just because I don’t have something doesn’t mean that I can go outside of God’s true design and try to get it myself. If I look on the positive side, having a little bit of sobriety gives me hope for the future. Before this past month I was in a cycle of looking at porn at least once every two or three days, with three being a stretch most times. I am also going to remind myself that porn is just a fruit, not the root. Acting out is the leaf on the tree. If I don’t continue to keep an inventory check on the root issues, I am bound to stumble again. I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. It’s not by my works, but by His finished work on the cross that I’m made right with Him.
So here’s to a fresh start.