Today I felt like I was hearing a conversation where people were talking about “Juicy Couture”, “Project Runway”, and “Christina.” Last night it felt like someone was having a conversation about the “Heisman” or “winning the Heisman.” Obviously, I have no interest in Juicy Couture or Project Runway, so I have no idea why I heard those things.
What I would like to talk about is ‘Doctor G: Medical Examiner. I watched an episode recently where this rape victim was burned in her private parts. That wasn’t the most disturbing thing. The weirdest part of the whole show was the main police chief. Every time that they would show him talking about the incident or finding the killer, he would have this creepy looking smirk on his face. Not to mention that the parents of the victim and her sister were strange too. I’m pretty sure that the police chief had some issues though. He was just plain creepy.
Sometimes it’s a hit or a miss on if it’s going to be a good episode of the show. I’ve always wished I had a voice like the people that do the voice overs to make it sound thrilling. If you were to take out the voice over people and just have someone with a regular voice talking, it wouldn’t have the same effect.
I also had an appointment with my counselor today. Come to find out, she is not a provider that falls under my insurance. She was super nice though, and is allowing me to continue to see her with my current co-pay. She’s very easy to talk to and is a really great counselor. I’m going to try this app that she told me about called “Headspace.” It’s a meditation app and goodness knows I need to learn how to be more content with my thoughts. I feel like I’m involved in the things that I should be involved in, in order to be better. I’m taking medicine, seeing a counselor, and continuing to meet with my men’s group twice a week.
I still struggle with feelings of loneliness. I think a lot of it has to do with relating to other people about the voices. I’ve been spending so much time looking into the past that I haven’t really thought about what it would be like to get to know someone and let them in to my personal life. Vulnerability is something that I’m still learning and growing in. I can’t wait to have deep discussions with someone about things and to find a woman who enjoys music as much as I do. I can’t wait to really laugh again about goofy things and hopefully to play video games with this person. I focus a lot on all the areas of my life that need work or that don’t seem to measure up. Many of those things can and will come to line up with God’s will for and plan for me as a man.
What I can look at in the world is how people who seemed to have everything in life were some of the most depressed people. I could rattle of names of people who had success, money, women, and pretty much anything that they wanted and they were miserable. Some of them even committed suicide or overdosed on drugs. I listen to men talk each week about truth. They thought that marriage would stop them from looking at porn, but it didn’t. I look into the eyes of men who have made mistakes and are separated from their wife and children. I’m sure that I’m not just talking about porn, but that life in general can throw things at you.
I’ll never forget when my ex-girlfriend and I were still dating. It was toward the end of our relationship and a friend of hers was going to have a bachelorette party at a strip club or at least have strippers there. I remember protesting to my girlfriend at the time. The truth is, that I had been messing around with my girlfriend the whole time we were dating and I know that I would have gone all the way if she had said okay. Yet, I was judging her and telling her that she shouldn’t go. I was a complete and total hypocrite. It wasn’t long after that incident that she broke up with me. That’s just one of many times that I was a hypocrite. I suppose that’s enough traveling down memory lane for now because I’m just rambling. Till next time.