Currently, I’m sitting here thinking about someone. Actually, I’m missing someone. This person was my best friend. So much has happened since the infamous Valentines Day incident of whatever year it was, maybe 2014? What I’m doing is the thing I said I wouldn’t do. I said I wouldn’t travel back in time to relive certain events. One of my favorite memories, minus the end, was a night that I contacted her to see if we could meet. We went to dinner and we had good conversation. Then we proceeded to talk for over an hour in the car afterward. I remember thinking, “God how I’ve missed this.”
Have you ever had such a connection with someone, that even after you’d been away from them for a long time, you had no problem jumping back into conversation with them? That’s how it felt that night. Even though it had been quite a while since we had communicated with one another, I instantly felt reconnected to her. I remember sitting across from her at dinner and she started telling me about herself and a friend of her’s. The very words that she was saying to me were some of the very things that I had prayed about for her. The friend that she mentioned was someone that I had prayed that she would have incredible influence upon, as well as others. I wanted to tell her right then that I God had answered my prayers for her, but I sat quietly and listened as she talked about her friend and her friend’s son.
Let me be clear. I’ve been blessed to form friendships with many other people, but some of the best conversation that I’ve had in the last year was in that car afterward. We talked about God’s grace versus works and many other things. She opened up a little and was vulnerable to me, just as I felt I was being vulnerable to her. That’s why when her mother told me that night outside of her house, “She doesn’t want to see you or talk to you”, I felt like something inside of me just got ripped apart. I remember walking back to my car and thinking, that’s it. I mean I should have already known that and believed that. I was incredibly foolish and I blame myself for being stupid enough to believe that she would want to speak to me. Why would she? She had not given any indication that she wanted to at any point before that. I had made a fool of myself in front of her and her parents.
I remember just driving around for a while before going home that night. Thoughts raced through my mind. “Your an idiot.” “Her parents even think less of you now than they already did before”. “When will you learn?” “Whatever dignity that you had is now in the gutter.” Thought after thought came. That’s what happens when you go against God’s plan. Proverbs 12:15 says The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.
You know what the saddest part is? It’s to believe in your heart that something can be different, that things can change. The Bible also says in Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” I had held onto hope for so long and believed in my heart for so long that I had deceived myself. Being deceived is one thing, but deceiving yourself is something else entirely. I could hear her words echo in my mind. “We’re never on the same page.” I thought to myself, no that’s not true. The truth is that we are on different pages in two totally different books.
I don’t really have anything else for right now. Till next time. Actually, I need to say to whoever reads this that the woman I have been referring to is one of the greatest people you’ll ever meet and it was a privilege to have known her. I don’t want anyone reading this to think bad of her. She would go to the ends of the earth to help someone and I have nothing but respect for her. So there…now, till next time.