It has occurred to me that I hear voices while driving my car. It sounds like the radio is on and someone is talking just beneath the air conditioner. What also seems strange to me, is the complete randomness of my thinking. I’ll have names and memories come to my mind that are so far out in left field that it makes no sense. If I have done something to cause all of this to happen, I don’t know what it is. Right now there is a loud ringing in my ears.
It’s days like today that I feel so isolated. On the drive home I sat in silence, which is something I rarely do. Something drastic needs to happen in order to change the circumstances. If I can’t stop these voices and thoughts, then I need my perception of them to change. If this is indeed, the new normal for me, then I need to learn how to adapt to this world. Right now, I feel like I’m just surviving. I’m making it day by day. It’s been about almost 15 months or so since all this started and I still feel like I haven’t adjusted. The medicine that has been prescribed is not working, and I’m not going on any other medicine for this. I’ve gained 70 pounds in the course of a year due to cycling through all of the antipsychotic meds that are available.
There is a specific person, if with whom I was able to talk to right now I believe could have a dramatic impact on my entire situation. Unfortunately, talking with that person is not a possibility. I believe that truth spoken in love can destroy lies, doubt, confusion, and whatever else is trying to get at me. I find it fascinating how things work out. If this had started happening to me back in any time before around 2014, I would have this person to talk to about it. I don’t know what this person believes that I think. I’m not looking for someone to fix me or someone who will give me answers. But being able to talk to this person about what I’m going through right now and to have this person just even listen to me I believe would have a profound impact on my entire psyche.
If this person is reading this right now, I hope and pray that they will consider talking to me. You are not responsible for what is happening to me. I need to say that very clearly. You have in no way contributed to what is happening to me, but communication with you would have an exponentially positive impact on me. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever faced, and to think that I can’t talk about it with you has been difficult. If you read this blog, please consider talking with me. I don’t know what else to say.
Till next time.