The Damage is Done

Hello again. Today I was reminded of just how many songs in my playlists remind me of a particular someone. I’m blaming you Tim Brantley for your song “Damage.” I’ve thought at times, should I just delete all these songs that serve as a reminder? There you have the ups and downs of listening to music. No matter how much I promise not to let a song take on a particular meaning or become attached to a particular person, it just happens. To balance it all out, there are plenty of songs that recall joyful memories.

Actually, many of the songs that make me sad have nothing to do with the song itself being a sad song. It’s the fact of that person that I associate the song with, being out of my life permanently. The whole permanence thing is still settling in on me. If you enjoy reading about failed relationships or friendships then by all means I’ve got the blog for you. Today I plan on sorting through my ideas about why she came to the decision that she came to. She, being the person who was my best friend and ex-girlfriend twice removed.

Do you want to know what the most hilarious thing about this whole situation is? It was my idea in the first place. I was the one who several years ago said something along the lines of, I think that we should spend some time apart. Originally it started with a month of us not talking, which had a strange conclusion. She said she was enjoying it, while towards the end I was ready for it to be over. Then there was the incident in which she told me that the reason she didn’t want to start being friends again was because she didn’t want to have to think about the decision that she’d made.

This brings me to my current question, which I often ask myself. Is that what keeps her away? What I’ve experienced over the past year I’ve wanted to be able to share with her, but what if she doesn’t want to share it with me? I’ve always thought that her being available to listen to me and talk with me again would be such a help, but what if it would drain her and make her sad? It’s when I typed that last sentence that I realized how selfish I’ve been. If I had really cared about her I wouldn’t have let her know that I was hearing voices. Honestly, I’m going to be really brutally honest. Had I known that things would be like this, she would have never known.

What good is it? What good thing does it produce? Absolutely nothing. If it’s prayer, I know that several people are probably praying for me. It doesn’t help her in any way, and it doesn’t help me. If she didn’t know, she could just imagine whatever she wanted to imagine about my life. Maybe she still does, I don’t know. I was ready. I had finally come to a place in my life where I was okay with the way things turned out. I was prepared for the day when she would introduce me to her boyfriend or even to say that she got engaged and that I was invited to the wedding. I had reached a place where I wanted us to at least be a part of each other’s lives, but as it works out, fate would have it otherwise.

She deserves good things. She deserves great things. The truth is, I would probably be in the way. The whole “When Harry Met Sally” thing is just another flick where people live happily ever after. It’s the same thing with “The Five Year Engagement.” It’s not real life. What if the writers wrote that Harry and Sally ended up meeting wonderful people who were not each other, and then they decided if they were going to be friends or not. No, because the American cinema doesn’t want complexity in it. I can tell you that there is no magical last 30 minutes of life where things just tidily come together and work themselves out. Life is not “The Brady Bunch.”

You wanna know what life really tells you? You don’t get to speak to or see your best friend anymore. You know that person that you shared a good 10 plus years of your life with, you know, getting to know them and all that stuff…..too bad. Game over. Oh, and here you go, we are going to throw another curve ball at you. Now you are going to hear voices. Gee whiz Wally! You mean I get to hear her voice too? You betcha, and doing all the counseling and taking all the damn antipsychotic drugs in the world won’t help.

You know I talked with someone on the phone the other day and he said, “I’d just roll with it.” Would you now? You’d just “roll with it?” Yeah, it seems that no one asked me if I was okay with “rolling with it.” It’s more like they glued me to the boulder that is hurling down the hill and said, “Hang on!” Am I being cynical? Maybe just a little. Today is just one of those days. Tomorrow will come, Lord willing, and I will face it with hope. I still have hope that maybe God will let me use a ‘timeout’ or at least press pause to catch my breath.

At the end of the day, I still just have hope that things will get better. I feel like maybe I’m going to reach that point where I start to see that light creeping in through the tunnel. The hope of it keeps me going. God is still with me, because He said He would be. He’s not a man that He should lie. He is faithful no matter what. Okay, I guess that’s enough for now. Thanks for reading. Till next time.

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