I was going on about a week of sobriety from pornography when I acted out just the other night. I was having trouble sleeping and I just went for it because it was something I viewed as comforting and easy. The truth of it is that it steals from me every time. I’m just hopeful that I’m not going to go back to my cycle of every other day looking at porn. Yesterday and today I’ve been having a certain scripture in my mind.
The scripture is Romans 6:14, “For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.” I started thinking about it and it seems pretty clear that I’m still trying to live by my works and by the law than trusting in God’s grace. I also started to re-read Joseph Prince’s book “The Power of Right Believing.” As I was reading today a thought crossed my mind. I have allowed the circumstances of having no communication with my friend to affect my relationship with God. Let me try and explain.
I’ve been thinking that if I could get this person to talk to me again or earn their friendship back, that God would be pleased with me. I’ve allowed the reverse to be true. I’ve allowed the fact that she wants nothing to do with me to affect my view of God. God never promised me that she and I would be friends again. I’ve thought at times that since things haven’t changed, that God is still not pleased with me. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s the truth. The problem with that view, is that it’s just not in line with what God’s word says.
God’s love for me has nothing to do with giving me what I think that I want. He loves me unconditionally and many times will even keep me from something that would be harmful for me. My goal for the next several days and weeks is to be more aware of His love for me. The reason that I’ve been in bondage to pornography has to do with a set of wrong beliefs about God and how He sees me. My friend practiced this awareness a lot better than I ever did. She knew that God loved her unconditionally and I believe that it gave her a peace in her heart that I have been longing for.
When I fall, because I’m bound to slip up in some area, I need to remind myself that I can run to God and not away from Him. His love doesn’t change based on my performance. His Son paid for all my sins, past, present, and future. I need for these things to become more than just head knowledge or some nice sounding concept. I need to believe the truth and play good movies in my mind. When I refer to playing good movies in my mind, I’m talking about seeing myself succeed at things. For most of my life I learned to be really good at playing movies in my mind that had me failing and being embarrassed. Having those films play over and over again in my mind has caused me to be fearful and unbelieving.
It’s no secret that I really struggle with guilt and shame. Many times I tend to live my life from the perspective of the person that I used to be instead of the person that I actually am. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t arrived or anything like that. What I mean is that so many things have changed in my life, and yet I still find myself feeling shameful about my past. I’m no longer able to exhibit these life changes to the person I wanted to show them to the most. It’s as if you worked really hard in order to change some major flaws about yourself, and you were so excited to show someone that you were different. That shouldn’t matter to me, but I’ve somehow made it to mean that God doesn’t care about the changes I’ve made either.
Nothing could be farther from the truth. He is the author of those changes and is still working on me to this day. He says “I’ve been waiting for you son. I’ve been waiting for you to see things My way. I’ve wanted you to see yourself the way that I see you and have always seen you. You are my prized possession and the apple of my eye, says the Lord. My love for you is everlasting and nothing could ever change My heart toward you. Stop struggling to become, and allow yourself to just be. Am I not the One who gives you the strength to change? The more aware you are of My heart towards you, the more you are transformed into the image of My Son. I am not ashamed of you, says the Lord. No, I will never be ashamed to call you My son. May you receive double honor for your shame. My Holy Spirit in you will continue to work out the details. Your job is to trust Me and hear My voice when I speak to You. Indeed, I guide you with My eye and I do not fail. You are not waiting to overcome, says the Lord. You HAVE overcome! May My peace and steadfast love always be with you. I love you dearly and will always love you.”
Praise the Lord! He is worthy to be praised! I think that’s all for now. Till next time.