You know how in my last blog entry I said that I had signed up for an online dating website? Yeah, that lasted for a couple of hours. No sooner had I created an account, I found myself deleting that same account. I mean realistically, why in the world would I be in search of a date. What am I going to say to a woman who is interested in me? Oh yeah, I know. I still live in the house that I grew up in at 31 years of age. I currently am on disability and here’s the kicker. I also hear voices pretty much every day and many times those voices are from events that haven’t happened yet. Let me beat you to the punch. I don’t have a lot to offer to someone right now.
This brings me back to what I’ve said before. I don’t know why this hearing voices thing happened. When it started happening I was in the best physical shape of my life, I had started a part time job at school, and things were just looking up in general. I was one class away from getting my associates. Flash forward to today. I have gained over 60 pounds from antipsychotic medicine, I’m super depressed, I can no longer talk to one of the closest people in my life, and I failed the certification exam that I needed in order to graduate. I remember the day I took the exam. It felt like there were all kinds of voices, both in my mind, and externally. I was so stressed out and I felt so dejected when at the end it said on the screen that I had not passed.
I wish that my father was here to talk to about this. I know that he would have some kind of insight or support to share with me on the matter. I feel like I’m striving really hard to do well in school, because I know how often my dad talked about people who graduated with honors. I don’t know if he can see the good things that have happened in my life since he passed away, but I hope that he can. He passed away in 2012 and then it was a couple years afterward that I lost my best friend. She’s still alive, but we no longer communicate with one another. I can’t really blame her for not wanting to communicate any longer. Truthfully, I was not that great of a friend to her and really hurt her in many ways with things that I said and in my attitude towards her.
This has been one of the toughest years of my life. I don’t know what I did or if I did something that caused these voices. I really still think that it is seizure related, mainly because of the constant deja vu. I’ve made another appointment with my primary care doctor for this upcoming Friday. They are going to re-test my liver because my enzymes were high last time, and I’m going to ask for a referral to see another neurologist. I was thinking the other day about the very first voice that I heard and what it said. “He won’t go to the hospital.” A large majority of my voices that I hear have ended up being things that happen in the future. It could be a conversation around me or something that someone says on the television.
The longest distance between hearing something and then actually hearing it in the present has been about three days. I’d say with certainty that I’ve heard something a good 72 hours before it actually happened. So it got be thinking, what if the deal with the hospital is a future event? I’ve been reading that people that have had the same exact symptoms I’ve been having have eventually had a grand mal seizure. In many cases, they said it started out with just the auditory hallucinations and the deja vu and then anywhere from six months to a year later they had a major seizure.
I’ve had three incidents within the past year in which I nearly called an ambulance. One of the three incidents wound up with me going to the emergency room. All three of the incidents have had these same symptoms: panic or fear, nausea, feet feeling glued to the floor, numbness in the left side of my body, lightheadedness, and feeling like electrical shocks were going off in my brain. The very first time it happened I was at school. The second and third time I was at home and the last time I spent a few hours in the emergency room. What if these are like waves that are only getting bigger and bigger until they come crashing down?
On a positive note, I walked the track by the school today. I started out trying to run and then realized that running was going to be much more difficult with an extra 60 pounds. I passed several people who were delightfully jogging along, and I reminisced about what that feels like. You see I feel like everything that I enjoyed has been slowly removed from my life. I am determined that I am going to come out of this wilderness that I’m in. I’m reminded that there are men who have been like brothers to me during this season of my life. Their friendship has really kept me going in many respects. Though I would be lying if I said that I didn’t secretly have a longing and a desire for one thing to happen. To me it’s as simple as a telephone call. I cling desperately to a promise that I felt was made to me by God a few years ago. These days I find myself wondering if I simply made it up in my head. I was given a word…..Restoration. No matter what happens, my God is faithful. Till next time.