The unanswered question

I’m writing this blog right now because I’m triggered or tempted to look at porn. I’m hopeful that by writing here I will be okay. I started a small devotion a few weeks ago that’s out of John Eldredge’s book titled The Way of the Wild Heart. I’ve read the book a few years ago, but now I have the manual guidebook as one might call it. I still don’t know why I’m hearing people’s conversations as if I’m a fly on the wall, but it’s still happening.

I’ve had several instances recently where I could almost swear that I intuitively knew what someone was thinking. I continue to conduct research about being an empath. The sad part is that I’m having a hard time finding people around me who have experienced these things. You’ll hear a lot of talk about remote viewing or astral projection or some other terminology that seems to float around in new age circles. I am very hesitant to even read much of the stuff I come across because some of it I know that I don’t need to be involved in. I have found several different sites where fellow Christians have talked about their experiences with similar things to what I’m experiencing. On one hand, it gives me hope. On the other hand, it leaves me many times with more questions than answers.

The devotion that I mentioned has stirred up a lot of emotions inside me. I know that my father would have never done anything to intentionally hurt me, but I also realize that he was a human being. That means that he had shortcomings and areas of his life that he probably didn’t want the spotlight shown on. The relationship between my parents always struck me as being very different from what a husband and wife relationship should be. I can see that much clearer now that I’m older, but I learned as I was younger to accept it as the status quo. I am nearly certain now that my father probably thought about a divorce often. I’m not quite sure what held him back, but I can imagine it was fear of the unknown.

Even when I started dating there would be times where I would think to myself, I don’t want to end up like my parents. I’m now coming to the realization of why I shut down with my girlfriend at the time. There were times that she told me she wished I would fight back or at least show some kind of emotion when we were arguing. Instead, I would just try to leave the situation as it was or step away from it. I think that subconsciously I thought that if I argued or got mad that somehow I was becoming like them.

In many ways, my father didn’t spend a lot of time showing me how to do things. What I’m about to say may sound silly, but it was significant to me. My girlfriend’s dad wanted me to help him plug a hole in his tire and you would have thought I had won a million dollars. I had a similar experience when another father figure in my life taught me how to change a spark plug on a mower. This sounds so stupid, but I was so happy when I cranked it up and I knew that I did it by myself. Or the time that my window in my car was stuck in the down position and it was about to rain. I looked up a video on youtube and was able to take the door panel off an push the window back up right as it started pouring down.

All of those instances have something in common. They made me feel more like a man and less like a boy living in a man’s body. Unfortunately, those moments don’t last. They seem to be more of an anomaly than a constant. The devotion talk about being initiated as a man at some point, but honestly I don’t feel my age. Here I sit having failed back to back times in the only relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t know what caused her to hang around as long as she did. I think the problem was that I looked for affirmation from her. Somehow she was supposed to verify me as a real man, which is something that she both couldn’t and shouldn’t have to do.

I used to cringe when she would refer to me as my dad’s name but junior. I’m not putting any blame on her because I realize that I was acting just like my father many times. I even tried to remain friends with her after the second time, but eventually that ended too. Men are supposed to be beer drinking, ass kickin, good with tools, a great builder, work on cars, and do other manly stuff. Despite what some women may tell you, they don’t want a pansy and excuse my language, but they don’t want their man to be a pussy because they already have one.

This is the point where the porn comes in. Because if you don’t meet the criteria for being a man, then you certainly don’t ever expect to get laid. That’s why pornography has such an appeal. No one is requiring anything of you. You can watch whatever you want and be satisfied because you didn’t have to give anything of yourself. What it really is, is a cheap and horrible type of band aid. It never addresses the real root issues. It’s like trying to plug a sinking boat with a piece of gum. You might last a little bit longer, but you’re not going very far. Because the question is still unanswered. Do you have what it takes? I think that’s probably the question that goes through my mind right before I look at porn. Do I have what it takes? If and when I come to the conclusion that there is no evidence to support that I do, there might as well have been a switch that’s flipped because I’m going to act out.

I also know the truth. I can’t put the blame on my father. I’m old enough to take responsibility for my actions. Faking it till you make it doesn’t work either. I’ve listened to too many men who are successful people. They are married and some even with kids and they talk about how they still feel like they don’t measure up. That’s not to say that all of them feel that way, but it just goes to show that marriage will many times not fix a porn problem. It’s an issue of the heart, my heart. It’s one that I struggle with daily. It’s the reason why I found my recovery group that I’m now a part of. I always say that I didn’t find the group, the group found me. I didn’t even know that’s what I needed. I certainly didn’t go searching for one, but it has proved to be a lifeline that I regularly rely on.

I don’t think I said everything I wanted to say or quite how I wanted to say it, but I suppose it’s a start. Thanks for reading y’all. Till next time…

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