It is quite a beautiful night outside. I just came in from looking at the stars and I’m in awe of God’s creation. I think that many times I have just gone through the day and then the evening without even taking the time to behold the beauty in the sky. Also, I just found out that NASA discovered seven new planets orbiting a star. They believe that these planets could be habitable like earth, so that’s interesting.
Okay, so here it goes. I’m 31 years old and have only dated and loved one person in all my time here. I’ve been toying around with the idea that I may end up spending the rest of my life single. I mean if you had asked me ten years ago, I would have liked my chances better. I’m a mess as an individual. I struggled with anxiety most of my life and now these last two years have been the most bizarre thing that’s ever happened to me.
I try to go over it in my head. You know, I really do. I think to myself, I’ll meet someone and fall in love again. Then I am reminded that I’ll have to tell said person about the fact that I hear voices when no one is around. I absolutely despise mental illness because it’s difficult to convey what you are experiencing to other people. If you have a physical illness people seem more ready to accept that for some reason.
I’ve thought about joining this single’s group that I’ve been invited to by one of my friends, but I’ve never followed through. We talk in recovery a lot about fear of rejection. The idea is that if you really knew me you wouldn’t like me. If I showed you all my cards you’d find something wrong with it. I know that this is not the case for everybody, but it’s really hard to be vulnerable in general…..especially to women.
I’m the only grandchild in my extended family that has never been married. Sometimes I think about my other family members and how they are having babies and raising children and it makes me sad. I’m going to be very vulnerable right now and say that I’ve even questioned God as to why all this is happening. Within a span of a couple years I lose my dad and then shortly after, my best friend. Some days I wake up and think, this might be the day that she calls me or texts me. Mostly I just miss the conversations that we used to have. We had great conversations and some really great times.
It seems that nothing that I do can change the way things are. I feel stuck in this perpetual loop of getting my hopes up for no reason only to have them smashed by the end of another day. I feel like a shell of who I used to be. Days, weeks, months, and then years pass and I realize that I am very much alone. I do have friends who mean the world to me, but I can’t quite describe how I feel.
So the other night I did something that I promised myself I would never do. I asked God for a sign. I wanted to know, want to know if my hope is misplaced. I didn’t come up with some fantastical idea of a specific thing happening. I just trust that God is able to assure me with whatever He chooses to do. So there you have it. I’ve fleeced the Lord and I’m not entirely certain of how he feels about it. I guess at the end of the day he knows my heart. He knows me better than I know myself. I’m trusting and leaning on Him.
If you’ve read this blog I really do appreciate all my readers. Thanks for letting me share my heart openly with you. Till next time…