Erase The Day

It has come to my attention that I’ve done everything in the past two years but admit that I could realistically be struggling with schizophrenia. I lost my dad to a heart attack in 2012 and only a few years later had a treasured friendship end. I’ve spent a long time trying to re-establish contact with my friend, but every attempt has failed. These have been the toughest two years of my life. I’ll admit that I’ve struggled with some heavy depression these past two years. It’s sad to say this, but I think the attempts to establish communications again with my friend is what has kept me going. I mean to say that it gives me something to hope for…….I’m only now realizing that you don’t always get what you hope for.

I didn’t go to my men’s group tonight. Honestly, I’ve sat here at this table thinking that I’m hearing bits and pieces of conversations that people are having. White noise makes it worse. I hear it when I’m at school too. It’s like a far away radio station that I can barely make out. I keep longing to go back. When all this started I was in the best shape of my life and had started working part time at my school. Those days seem like an eternity ago. Now I’m 60 pounds heavier and out of shape. I stopped running because it just was so much more difficult to run at this weight.

I find music is an escape for me. I can get lost in music. Depending on the mood I’m in there is a song for everything. Lately I’ve been wanting to learn an instrument. I’ve narrowed it down to two choices, piano or guitar. Neither of them will be easy to learn, but they both have their pros and cons. Then there is the whole thing of actually purchasing the instrument. I mean, you are kinda committed then aren’t you? Well, you either are committed or you have wasted your money.

I’ve now gone to see La La Land twice at the theater. I must say I enjoyed it just as much the second time as I did the first. I’m not going to go into the story here. There’s another blog that talks about it, but I highly recommend it if you like musicals. Hell, even if you don’t like musicals I think you’ll like this movie. It’s rare that I want to go back to the theater to see a movie twice, especially with how much tickets cost nowadays.

Also, this past weekend I watched The Prisoner of Azkaban. I’d definitely say it’s one of my favorites if just for the little bit of time travel that happens in it. I found the dementors to be particularly interesting in how they feed off of emotions and fear. I was told by my friend that J.K. Rowling came up with the dementors at a time when she was struggling through some depression. Why is it that some of the best art, film, or music come out of some of the worst situations. I think it’s the human side of us. Maybe it stretches you and you learn something through it all. At least that’s what you hope for right?

I try and remain hopeful that I will see some good come out of all this that’s happened for almost two years. You know, one of those come through the fire shining like gold things? You know what I go to bed at night wishing? It’s the same thing that I wake up in the morning wishing for. I want to be reunited with my best friend. Days have gone by. Weeks have gone by, and now years. I’m left hoping against all hope. I feel like one of the characters in Harry Potter that has a dementor trying to suck the life out of him.

What I have realized is that God owes me nothing. If He never did another thing for me He would still be Holy and worthy of praise. If my life just fell to pieces it would not change the fact that He is a good and gracious Father. I try to remind myself of that quite often. He never said I wouldn’t have trials and tribulation. He actually said the opposite, that I would have them. But He said to have faith because He has overcome the world.

As I’ve been typing this I’ve been just listening to music. I think I found a new band that I like. They are called Kings of Convenience. They have a good acoustic vibe and remind me of Jack Johnson a little. I probably have never been more embarrassed and wished that this day would be over. I’m sorry if that came out of nowhere, but I’ve made a fool of myself today. I feel like I’m trapped. Apparently I can hear people talking and they sound like real conversations and people that I know. I don’t know how my brain is manufacturing these conversations. Whatever I might have done to cause this or turn this on, I would like to turn it off. Sometimes it will be about movies or things that I’ve never heard of that really do exist. There’s no way that I could just think of some of these things on my own.

Maybe this is why I listen to music so much. If I have headphones on I can still hear a word here and there, but mostly I’m able to drown it out with the music. Just imagine the idea that you could possibly be hearing people’s private conversations, more like bits and pieces of conversations and you don’t always know who is talking. But I have confirmed that I’ve heard something from the past so that when I heard it, it had happened three weeks prior to that. I have over 100 different times where I’ve heard something that ended up happening later that day or several days or weeks later. It’s hard for me to filter what is real and when it is actually happening. The only one I don’t have proof of is the present.

I don’t know what else to say. People will think whatever they want to think. I know what I’m experiencing and I can tell you that it is the most bizarre thing that has ever happened and probably will ever happen in my life. I think that is enough for now. If you’ve hung around to read this far, thanks again. I really appreciate my readers. Blessings to you.

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