Hello again. I realize that I continue to avoid the fact that I may very well be suffering from schizophrenia. For the last twenty months or so I’ve been hearing things. It really struck me just how much my life seems to have been engulfed by this. My brother and family came into town a few days ago for a funeral. Even while I was out with them riding in their van I could hear something in the distance as though the radio were on at the lowest volume. If you ask me what has changed in the last two years I would say my reaction to all of it. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is really happening in my life and I can decide on what to do about it.
What I’ve found myself struggling with during this time frame is despair and loneliness. The thing is, I’ve made new friends during all this. Being able to talk things out with them has proven to be a lifeline for me. Yet I still feel very alone. I realized today that I have a strong soul tie to someone. I’ve removed just about every single thing, be it photographs or anything else that reminds me of this person. But for some reason I still feel connected to them. I’m not really sure what else I can do about it as the person I’m talking about no longer communicates with me. I’ve tried reaching out to her, but all attempts have failed.
The sad part about it all is that there was a time in my life where she wanted to be friends and my feelings for her made for a toxic friendship. I lied to her, treated her poorly, and many other negative things. This ultimately led to us severing ties with each other. I won’t say that I need her friendship to be happy because I know that’s a recipe for disaster. I will tell you the thoughts that seem to go through my mind on a daily basis. I think to myself, what would our friendship be like now? Would it be any different? My answers to these questions are very positive. You know when they tell you to play good movies in your head of you succeeding and all that good stuff? Well I always think about all the positive ways that it would be completely different.
The first part is that I want her as a friend whereas I had previously wanted to try and win her back. Again the irony here is that when I finally come to this decision I’m far too late. Who knows? I mean maybe she is making a really great decision by keeping her distance from me. I don’t know. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have about a snowball’s chance in Hell of her ever giving our friendship another shot. I’ve tried and tried over and over again to try and show her that people really can change. I can change. I have changed. Ultimately this change has been for the better whether we are friends or not. I needed to change. Unfortunately, I was the last person to realize this.
I broke her trust. I don’t think she trusts me any further than she can throw me right now. What I need to focus on is continuing the progress I’ve made in my life. It seems as though everything that could happen to try and derail this progress is happening. I also wonder to myself, why did I ever allow her to know that I hear voices? I originally wanted her to know so that I could talk to her about it. That doesn’t seem to be happening and likely will never happen. In many respects I am glad for her. It’s no secret that I want good things for her, just like any reasonable person would. I try to imagine that since we’ve stopped being friends that her life has improved leaps and bounds. I really hope that it has.
Maybe I’m the one who is in the wrong. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. I mean maybe all my hoping and wishing is all wrong. Wow…..reading that last sentence to myself was difficult. I think it’s that I hate failure. It’s as if someone put a big red stamp that said FAILURE on this friendship.Oh now your different, now things are different, well I’m sorry to say that it’s too little way too late. I suppose that I’ve been living in denial. This could end up being a very strong lesson learned. I can either let this defeat define me or I can come back stronger. I think that just acknowledging the truth is a good place to start. This is why I write blogs. While sitting here I’ve had to read these sentences back to myself. I think I’ve made forgiveness into something that it never was intended to be.
People can be forgiven, but that doesn’t always mean that people want to stay friends. There are consequences to every action and I’m learning that the hard way. If you’ve read this far, I sincerely thank you. May you be blessed in this life. That’s all for now. Till next time…