It has now been exactly two years since I first started hearing voices. I never expected it to last as long as it has. To be honest, it feels like a lot longer than just two years. I wake up in the morning and hear people talking, and I go to sleep at night hearing people talking. I’m not going to use this blog entry to talk about any of the experiences I’ve had with the voices actually being real conversations from real people. I’ve talked about some of those in some other blogs if you are interested in reading about them. That still happens and I’m not exactly sure what the meaning or purpose of it is.
What I want to talk about in this entry is my slow realization that no matter how hard I fight it, I may be dealing with schizophrenia. I think that I’ve avoided that label and tried to find meaning and purpose in the voices. Two years later I find myself not really any closer to understanding what’s been going on. I’ve been going to a local community college and working there as well within these past two years. In fact, it was when I decided to become a work/study student there that the voices seemed to first appear. Unfortunately, I’ve used up my financial aid and also just found out that the transmission in my car needs to be rebuilt. So I will not be attending college this summer semester.
I’ve had this situation looming for many months now. I knew that my time at Jeff State was running out. I really enjoyed the job that I had there because for the most part I was isolated in a small prep room away from people on most days. I was surprised because in this past year I actually found myself telling my boss that I heard voices. I have received many different reactions when telling someone that I hear them. Surprisingly, most people have been understanding and haven’t freaked out or anything. I’ve even tried explaining my strange experiences with hearing things that haven’t happened yet. I tend to get discouraged when sharing about those experiences because I have no way of proving it to any of the people I’ve mentioned it to.
Anyway, as I was saying, I’ve known that I would be faced with this situation during the summer season. I’m going to miss Jeff State because it got me out of the house and I felt as though I was doing something productive even while hearing the voices. Now I’m faced with what I decide to do next. I have been thinking for months that people had access to my cell phone and computer. I’ve thought that I’ve heard them talking about things that I did or didn’t do. This has caused me an untold amount of stress. I was waking up every day thinking that this would be the day that those people would come and talk to me and tell me what was going on…..only…they never did.
So this is where I am right now. I’m jobless and looking at a very large car repair expense. I’ve thought that maybe this is where I can start to make my comeback. I can start back to the gym and be proactive in getting my body back in peak physical shape. That would at least be winning half of the battle. I get down and depressed about my weight and don’t even go to the gym because I don’t want to hear what the voices say about me going to the gym and my eating habits. I feel like I’m judged on every decision that I ever make and sometimes I just want to escape all the commotion.
Well, I think that’s all for now. Till next time…..