I feel like my life has slowly disintegrated over the past few years. I now spend most of my days at home where I find myself talking into my phone to people I somehow believe can hear me. Of course these people have never been seen nor do they ever show up.
It’s been about a month now since my doctor took me off of my ADHD meds and upped my antidepressant and antipsychotic. The. results have been horrible. I find myself with no motivation or desire to do much of anything. The voices are still there and I just feel like all I’m good at is taking up space.
The person that I used to be may as well be dead and buried. I’m having to adjust to this version of myself. I’m overweight, depressed, paranoid, and still trying to figure out what I could have possibly done to make this happen. I don’t know that I’ve fully accepted this new me as reality just yet. I still cling to this dying belief that just as suddenly as this all started happening that all of it can and will be over soon.
Unfortunately, it’s been a little over two years and it just seems to have progressively become worse. I try to find solace in a few things and occasionally have some success. However, most of the time I just feel as if I’m merely existing for the time being. So I imagine that I will go on existing in this new reality, as cold and lifeless as it may seem because I don’t quite know what else to do.
I promise I didn’t start out trying to be this pessimistic, but it’s been a very long time since I’ve seen any bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for reading. Till next time….